Releasing the need for external validation
The wish to be liked, praised or reassured is part of being human. Approval can feel comforting when you are making a difficult decision, sharing creative work or trying to belong. The difficulty begins when other people’s reactions become the main measure of your worth.
Learning to trust your own judgement does not mean becoming indifferent to feedback. It means developing an inner sense of direction that remains steady when a post receives little engagement, a colleague disagrees or a family member does not understand your choices. This is the foundation of heart-based living and genuine self-discovery.
| External validation | Inner validation |
|---|---|
| “Will they approve of this?” | “Does this feel honest and aligned?” |
| Confidence rises and falls with reactions | Confidence grows through self-trust |
| Decisions are shaped by image or pressure | Decisions are guided by values and purpose |
| Criticism feels like a personal threat | Feedback becomes useful information |
What approval-seeking can look like
External validation often appears in ordinary habits rather than dramatic behaviour. You may repeatedly check LinkedIn or Instagram after posting, soften your opinions in a group conversation, or delay a decision until several people agree. You might also measure your progress against friends who seem to have bought a home, changed careers or built a successful business.
In Australian workplaces, this pattern can be tied to a strong preference for fitting in and not appearing “too big for your boots”. A professional in Sydney may keep quiet in a meeting to avoid seeming difficult, while a small-business owner in Brisbane may undercharge because they fear losing a client. These choices can look practical while quietly disconnecting you from your needs.
The work of Maya Luna Christobel offers a soulful framework for exploring these patterns through coaching, spiritual direction and reflective practice. The aim is not to create a perfect persona, but to reconnect with what feels meaningful beneath the performance.
Why reassurance can become addictive
Praise gives the nervous system a quick sense of safety. When someone approves of your work or confirms that you made the right decision, tension drops. Over time, your mind may begin to seek that relief repeatedly, especially if your self-esteem has been shaped by criticism, comparison or unpredictable relationships.
This can make ordinary uncertainty feel unbearable. A delayed text message may be interpreted as rejection, and a neutral comment from a manager may feel like evidence of failure. The brain is attempting to protect you, yet the constant search for reassurance prevents you from discovering that you can survive disappointment and remain worthy.
External approval also tends to be unstable. Trends change, workplaces restructure and people bring their own preferences, insecurities and assumptions to every interaction. Building emotional independence means recognising that someone’s response may describe their perspective without defining your identity.
Notice the pattern before changing it
Begin by observing when the urge for approval appears. Write down the situation, the story in your mind, the feeling in your body and the action you want to take. For example: “My client has not replied. I am imagining they dislike the draft. I feel tightness in my chest. I want to send three follow-up messages.”
This pause creates space between an emotional trigger and an automatic response. Notice whether the urge is strongest around authority figures, romantic partners, family, social media or money. A freelancer in Melbourne’s creative market may feel especially exposed when a pitch is rejected, while someone in regional New South Wales may compare their lifestyle with highly curated city-based content.
Use compassionate language as you record these moments. Instead of calling yourself needy or insecure, try: “A part of me is looking for safety.” Self-awareness becomes more useful when it is curious rather than harsh.
Build an inner reference point
Inner validation grows when you ask what you think before asking what others think. Before seeking advice, write your own answer to a decision. Identify your priorities, the facts you know, the risks you accept and the choice that feels most consistent with your values.
A simple daily practice can help. At the end of each day, note one decision you made, one quality you expressed and one action that supported your wellbeing. These may be small: setting a boundary with a customer, taking a walk along the coast, completing a task without announcing it or speaking honestly at a family barbecue.
Your worth does not depend on constant achievement. It can be grounded in qualities such as courage, kindness, patience, creativity and integrity. When these qualities become your reference point, praise feels welcome rather than necessary.
Practise being seen without performing
Many people seek approval by carefully managing how they are perceived. They present only the polished version of themselves, agree before checking their own response or turn every experience into evidence that they are coping. Releasing this performance involves allowing appropriate honesty and imperfection.
Start with low-risk experiments. Share a genuine preference with a trusted person, wear something you enjoy without checking whether it is fashionable, or publish useful work without refreshing the comments. In Australia’s social and professional culture, where humour and casual understatement can disguise vulnerability, a sincere conversation may feel surprisingly brave.
Being authentic does not require telling everyone everything. Healthy boundaries remain important. The purpose is to choose what to share from self-respect rather than fear, and to tolerate the possibility that someone may not respond as you hoped.
Make room for grief and uncertainty
The need for approval often intensifies when you are grieving a relationship, identity, opportunity or imagined future. You may look to other people to confirm that your pain is legitimate or to reassure you that life will soon return to normal. Yet grief rarely follows a convenient schedule.
Creating quiet space for difficult emotions can reduce the compulsion to perform wellness. Maya Luna Christobel’s reflection on make space for grief explores how busyness can crowd out honest emotional processing. This perspective is relevant whether you are commuting across Perth, managing family responsibilities in Adelaide or navigating a major life change in Canberra.
Try giving grief a contained place in your week: a journal, a walk, a conversation with a trusted person or a few minutes of stillness. When emotions are acknowledged, they are less likely to seek expression through people-pleasing, overwork or compulsive checking.
Let values guide your decisions
A values-led life offers a steadier alternative to chasing approval. Choose three values that matter to you now, such as freedom, belonging, service, learning, spirituality or creativity. Then consider whether your calendar, relationships and spending reflect them.
Values do not remove fear. They give fear a meaningful context. You may still worry about disappointing your parents when changing careers, losing an Australian client after raising your rates or standing apart from your friendship group. The question becomes whether the discomfort is the cost of an honest choice.
Bring this practice into coaching, workshops, journalling or spiritual direction when you want support. A reflective conversation can help you distinguish your true desire from inherited expectations and clarify the next manageable step.
Choose self-trust one action at a time
Releasing the need for external validation is a gradual return to yourself. It happens each time you pause before seeking reassurance, honour a boundary, accept feedback without collapsing or allow your work to exist without immediate applause.
Begin with one private commitment this week: make a decision using your own values, spend time away from performance-based platforms or acknowledge an accomplishment without sharing it. Then seek thoughtful support when you need perspective, choosing guidance that strengthens your agency rather than replacing it.
Explore heart-centred coaching, spiritual guidance, writing support and resources through Maya Luna Christobel’s work, and take the next step towards a life shaped by meaning, self-trust and authentic connection.
